Last week, the world was shocked and shaken to its very core when Sammy Sosa appeared in public with skin eight shades whiter than we remember. He claims that it’s the side effect of some sort of skin treatment, but it got us thinking about what other celebrities would look like if they swapped from white to black and vice-versa (first we thought of these 7 Funniest Bald Actors and these 10 Actresses We’d Like To See Play Lara Croft). Sure, it’s entirely a black and white world out there, but if you can change your race in World of Warcraft for a mere $30 every three days, when are we going to be able to swap races so easily in the real life? Boy, that would be awesome. Personally, I’d probably only choose to be white when I had to go to the bank or driving to work so I could get away with speeding. Other than that, I’d be every color of the rainbow. Anyway, enough about the future… on with the list.
8. Rush Limbaugh
Why Rush Limbaugh? Like a number of right-wing media personalities, Rush has at times, made racially charged comments that have pissed people off across the skin spectrum. Whether he’s a racist or whether those comments were taken out of context is beside the point. If you try to argue about it here, I’ll never be your friend ever again. The point is that because of things he’s said in the past, I’m sure there’s quite a few people that wish that Rush could, just for one day, walk in some not-so-white shoes. And yes, that’s Michael Steele’s chrome dome if you were wondering.
7. John Travolta
Why John Travolta? No real reason other than I wanted to see what he might look like if he were somehow a weird test tube love child of himself and Samuel L. Jackson.
6. Paris Hilton
Why Paris Hilton? Because… there’s a larger social metaphor in here somewhere, but I’m not going diving for it. Let me just point out however a tip for anyone who wants to try turning white people black in Photoshop: It’s a real pain in the butt. If you must, you should know that 99% of what makes someone look black or white isn’t even in the color of the skin, but the facial features. All I did with Paris Hilton was to give her Halle Berry’s nose and voila.
5. Mel Gibson
Why Mel Gibson? I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO YOU, SUGART*TS.
4. Spencer Pratt
Why Spencer Pratt? I dunno honestly… because I’m a little surprised that he hasn’t already shown up in giant sunglasses with his hair dyed black and his face smeared with brown paint and his lips puckered out that seems to be all the rage in ultra white boy douchebag circles these days.
3. Barbara Walters
Why Barbara Walters? Is “Visually balancing out the color spectrum at the table on ‘The View’” a good enough reason? I mean you’ve got Whoopi at one end and Barbara on the other end… and it would just look more visually balanced if Barbara Walters was also black.
2. Mark McGwire
Why Mark McGwire? Well duh… the whole idea for this bit of Photoshop debauchery came about because of Sammy Sosa, so naturally we had to include his partner in home run hitting crime, Mark McGwire. Nothing deeper or more interesting than that.
1. Hayden Panettiere
Why Hayden Panettiere? Really? You have to ask? Holy cow.
For more great race debates, check out Jon Stewart and Larry Wilmore debate the use of blackface on “The Daily Show” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm’s” scene addressing Michael Richards’ infamous racist rant.
This post was written by Orin Shepherd, who is whatever color you want him to be.
